Seek first to understand

Usually when you stick a diehard lefty and righty (politically speaking) in the same room, you can be pretty sure an argument will ensue. I am not proud that I often carry on that fight even when it's obvious that I will not win a convert to my side. But Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. has words that speak to this situation. "Nonviolent resistance does not seek to defeat or humiliate the opponent, but to win his friendship and understanding."

Easier said than done, but not impossible. A few years ago, after Obama was elected, my best friend and I were riding around talking. When the subject of politics came up we naturally talked about the recent election. The thing was, each of us had voted for a different candidate. As a teacher and graduate student, I naturally lean to the left. As a cop and hostage negotiator and trainer for Homeland Security, he leans to the right.

The thing that has struck me ever since this conversation is how we handled it. While my buttons can usually be pressed fairly easily, something different happened that night. Tim and I weren't trying to sway the other's opinion. We genuinely wanted to know the thought process involved in how we came to our separate conclusions. 

For this type of conversation to happen, there needs to be genuine respect for each person by each person. Because of the decades of experiences together, we knew that we could trust each other in any situation. We also knew that the other had very good reasons for voting as he did; we just weren't entirely sure what those reasons were.

What if we tried a little experiment? The next time we talk to someone whose views on politics/religion/social issues are different than ours, what if we stop trying to convert but rather start trying to understand? If both sides can do this, and both sides can respectfully see the other as also seeking the greatest good, I think that naturally more compromises and win-wins will start to occur.