Leaving the porch’s dim glow, I was immediately enveloped in a late October misty darkness. I set my playlist to shuffle and began walking faster and faster until I began to jog. I kept my head down to keep an eye out for errant dog doo-doo and to keep the moisture off my lenses. It was no use. Water droplets soon covered my glasses, rendering them nearly useless. No wonder no one else was running around the lake at this early hour.
Through my earbuds came The Cranberries’ “Ridiculous Thoughts,” Alanis Morissette’s “You Learn,” Sproule’s “Siubhan Ni Dhuibhir, Starsailor’s “Alcoholic,” and Jimi Hendrix’ “Purple Haze.” What a mixture of angst and disappointment and raw human emotion. In the predawn darkness, with my eyes full of water and my ears full of minor chords, it was hard to be upbeat. At some point my mind wandered to the topic of death.
It’s no secret I hate death. But this morning, as I imagined someday lying on my deathbed, perhaps unable to move or even speak, it occurred to me that in that morbid state all I would have left were wishes and memories. Perhaps, I imagined on this morning’s run, I might even remember this moment. This soggy, cold and dark morning. And if I were on my deathbed, and wishing for just one more day, it occurred to me that I would probably appreciate this morning a little more. I’m alive, after all, with no end in foreseeable sight. And at this moment my whole day is in front of me. And at this moment my knees don’t hurt. At this moment I am alive and I know it.
As if on cue, the next song shuffled into my ears was Daft Punk: “One more time.” One more time we’re gonna celebrate, oh yeah, don’t stop the dancing.
One more chance to start my day right this time.
I remove my glasses and keep on running. The deathbed-me whispers into my ear. Don’t be in such a hurry to finish this run. Enjoy the darkness, the solitude, the cool mist. The porch’s warm glow will come into sight soon enough.
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